GRIEVING

I've found these stages of GRIEVING SO FAR.

SHOCK: Even though we've been preparing for this for 27 years, when it happens it is still a complete shock. Every time Kimmi went in for surgery, especially this past year, we knew it could be her last. But, the complete shock was still there. You can never prepare for this!

DISBELIEF: Even when the doctors told us that she coded for 15 minutes; Even when we first saw her; Even when the MRI showed damage; even when the brain scan showed no life, Even when they told us she was brain dead; Even when we took her home to her bed and watched her breathe her last beautiful breath and go into the arms of Jesus; EVEN THEN, WE STILL DIDN'T BELIEVE! It just wasn't possible. Even when we buried her precious body, we still couldn't believe we'd never see her in this life again.

ACCEPTANCE: Ok, we accept her passing. we know her body is dead, but her spirit is with Jesus. That is about the only thing that we have to keep us going; to keep us sane. That is the only thing that helps us accept her death. But, it hurts more than anything ever hurt before. There are giant holes in our hearts and we don't know how to fix it.

WHY GOD, WHY?: What did we do to cause You to take her from us? What did Kimmi do? Why did she have to leave us so suddenly and so soon? Why didn't You heal her? How could You take her away from us, and tear our hearts out like that? Why God, Why?

YOUR WORD: I don't know what we'd do without Your Word! I don't know how a non-believer could ever survive such a trajedy believing they will never see their loved one again; believing their loved one is just dead - that's all, no afterlife. Even though we don't understand, we trust You and Your Word. You said that Your ways are not our ways. You see the BIG Picture while we see the tiniest fraction of it. When Jesus was about to die, he cried out, "Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken away from Me, yet, not as I will, but as You will." Matt 26:39. In Isaiah55:8, the Lord said, "My ways are not your ways."

TRUST: Lord, help us to understand your ways so this cup will flee from us; so this pain will go away. Help us to understand Your will so we can fully accept losing her in this life. I don't understand, BUT I TRUST YOU. Although we are in pain, our baby girl feels no more pain, no more suffering, no more sickness, no more sorrow. She is completely happy in the arms of Jesus, enjoying Your love for all eternity. If it wasn't for Your Word and knowing that Kimmi is with you right now, we'd never be able to drink from this cup. Lord, we love You and we trust You. Thank You for allowing us the pure pleasure of enjoying this special GIFT from You. Thank you for loving us so much, that You gave us this most precious little angel from heaven, even if only for a short while. You blessed us beyond imagination.

MY HEROES

I've had FIVE real heroes in my life. Sure, as a little boy, I thought of Johnny Unitas and Mickey Mantle (met him) as heroes, but they really weren't. Then, there was Dr. J. and the Sixers from 77-79, especially since I got to play basketball with them several times a week - true story that I might share some time. There was also my parents, and a few uncles when I was little. Also looked up to 2 teachers from grade school (Sr. Ivan and Mr. Rupp) and even wanted to teach after the military because of them. Then, there is my wife, a very special lady like my mother.

BUT, my real heroes were Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Mother Theresa and my three children. Jesus needs no explanation because jesus is the true meaning of love. Abe, of course because of his belief that all people are created equal and fought for the rights of all people. Mother Theresa was also easy. A tiny little woman physically that had the heart of a 100 foot giant. She devoted her life to loving the unloved and caring for the sickest, weakest, filthiest and poorest of the world. When asked how she could care for the slime from the slums, she stated, "I don't se the filth. All I see is Jesus!"

BUT, why my children? If you knew them really well, they'd be your heroes too. And, if you know of the lousy job I did as their dad, you'd be shocked that they turned out so well. All three of them have the love of God. All three loved the unloved and protected the weak. These are just a few examples of their love for the weak and unloved, their integrity and their decency.

ROB: When he was 5, we visited New York City. At the Statue of Liberty, Robby kept pestering us for a toy statue that he really needed, like any boy would. There was a homeless gentleman in the park. It was miserably hot, but this guy was wearing an overcoat and carried all his belongings in a shopping cart. He smelled really bad, and looked worse. My sister and I started making fun of him, even where he could hear us. Seeing how we treated this poor man, Robby started crying and walked up to him to give him his new "prized" statue. I felt so small and so ashamed, convicted by the love of a 5 year old. We ended up giving the gentleman $5 so Rob would keep his statue, and walked away with a different view of homeless people. Rob's integrity and decency has never changed. He still has no problem letting me know that I might be doing something enethical even if really minor.

CRAIG: I don't know if I'll ever get this exactly right, but walking home from Jr. High one day, Craig came across several boys picking on this skinny kid, all about the same age as Craig. They had a broken beer bottle, and were threatening to cut the kid up. Not thinking about himself, Craig intervened and chased the thugs away. He literally risked injury to protect someone he didn't know. He and the skinny kid became friends after that. Like Rob, Craig maintained the same attitude and spirit ever since. He is a loving, patient father, deacon and youth leader in his church, and has gone on numerous mission trips. It has to be God because I didn't instill that in him.

KIMMI: Don't know where to begin with this girl. Born with a deadly disease that eventually took her life, she always maintained a positive attitude and never felt sorry for herself. When she lost her first kidney and had to be on peritoneal dialysis (tube in her belly) at the age of 9, we feared she'd never be able to handle it. Upon leaving the hospital, the tube popped down out of her shorts. We panicked, but Kimmi just smiled and tucked the tube back in, "No big deal." But, even moreso than the boys, she always loved the unloved. She never looked down on anyone, never judged anyone, especially the poor, dirty, or weak. In fact, it was her nature to seek out the unloved and love them. At her wake and funeral, person after person (most of them poor and unloved) came up to us, introduced themselves and told how Kimmi loved them as her very best friends. Although we were very wealthy compared to them, Kimmi never looked down on them like most people did. This little angle loved them the way Jesus did.

I've learned so much from my children. I've learned to love the less fortunate, not to judge others because of their situations, to treat people fairly and honestly and to try to understand people's situation before criticizing. Although I eventually got my love from Jesus, it was first modelled for me by my children. I thank God every day for blessing me with such wonderful children.

SHOPPING

We went shopping at KOHL's tonight. At some point, we in the teen or pre-teen area. Without thinking, I picked up a pair of below-the-knee shorts or whatever and told Evey, "These would really look cute on Kimmi." Then, it hit me. However, we regrouped and found other outfits that would look good on Kimmi. This was the first time we enjoyed something. It didn't hurt to look at clothes for her. We even enjoyed it. We always enjoyed looking at clothes for Kimmi and thinking how cute she'd look in it.

Dear Bob and Evelyn,

Hello, I just wanted to write you an e-mail to let you know I've been thinking of you and praying for you. You are definitely in my heart and my thoughts as Kimmi is. I am also writing you to let you know what happened to me the other night. After getting off the phone with you and getting home to be with my kids (went to a friend's house to just cry), my husband had explained to my boys "why Mommy was crying" and let them know as best as he could what had happened. My oldest boy Hunter remembers Kimmi, pretty well actually.

Well, I was getting in bed and two out of three kids were asleep. The only one still awake was my middle child Mason. He was already laying in my bed watching cartoons. As I was getting in bed he said to me, "Mommy you're sad huh?" And I said, "Yeah, Mason, Mommy is sad. He then said to me, "Why are you sad?" I said, "cause Mommy's heart is broken cause her friend is no longer here". He said, "I know her heart stopped "beeping" didn't it?" I said,"Yeah baby it did". He then asked me, "Well Mommy can't we just get some tape and fix her heart and your heart so no one will be sad?" I said, "No baby it doesn't work that way, tape can't fix everything." It has stayed with me the last couple of days. How simple it is for children and how it is so much more complex for adults and as parents we do the best we can explaining things to our children. Just a funny thought, that I know Kimmi would have adored. Thank you for your time. I hope it brought a small smile to your face.
Bambi

Miss YOU Kimmi

Kimmi,

We miss you so much. The house seems so empty without you to soothe the lonliness, without your smile to warm us up and without your prescense to make us feel valuable. We miss your jokes, your calming influence, and even your dumb reality shows just because they were a part of you. We miss worrying about you when you're away and miss our feeling of satisfaction and security when you're home with us. We miss sitting at the table with that special angel that made it enjoyable to sit and talk. We miss your driving abilities, even thought they scared the daylights out of us. We miss your love for your baby (Millie) showing us just what real love is. We really miss taking care of you. We felt so much more close to you when you needed us to take care of you, but also when you wanted us around because you loved us right back. But, most of all we miss the love of God that we saw in you every day. You had that kind of love for everyone and you shared it liberally.

People say we are free to do things now. FREE? Without you, we lost our freedom. We chose to be with you, to take care of you and to love you in every way possible. That freedom was taken away when we lost you. But we also know that you are with Jesus, and have no more pain or sickness. That makes us so happy and relieved to know that Jesus finally healed you and protects you in His loving arms. Take care Baby Girl. We pray that Jesus and time will fill the huge holes in our hearts, but we will NEVER forget YOU! We will never forget all the love that you brought to our lives and our hearts. We thank God for letting us borrow you these nearly 28 years.

P.S. We are taking good care of Millie.

LILLY

This was sent by my daughter-in-law. It speaks so much about my Kimmi.

We can't know why the lily has so brief a time to bloom
in the warmth of sunlights kiss upon its face,
before it folds its fragrance in and bids the world goodnight
to rest its beauty in a gentler place.

But we know that nothing that is loved is ever lost
and no one who ever touches a heart can really pass away,
because some beauty lingers on in each special memory
of which they've been a part.

FAMILY

Growing up was a special time because we always had a large family around us. First, I had 3 brothers and a sister which made a family of seven. But, my mom had 9 brothers and sisters which added 20 more close people including wives. Add their children, another 50 or so, and you have quite a family reunion. And, except for 2 uncles, we all lived within 10 miles of each other. My dad's side was another story. They were never that close. His brother lived in Hays, like us, but we rarely saw them. A step sister lived about 60 miles away, and we felt closer to them than all the others.

Since my mom's family was close and my dad's wasn't, we gravitated to mom's side. I will never forget the family gatherings. Christmas, Thanksgiving, usually a summer reunion or two. Then, we usually went to my grandma's house every Sunday evening. It was always a great time having fun, sharing everything, and feeling loved. We called every uncle and aunt by first name, even Sister Paddy. There was quite a bit a drinking, visiting and playing games, no matter the weather. Of course, we'd run into each other many times throughout the year, and we always had a great time. There is something about family that just makes things better.

As we grew, my sibs and I all moved away (4 out of state and my sister moved to Wichita, 90 miles away). Brother Art eventually moved back to Kansas (Larned), about 40 miles away. I was in the military, so could be anywhere. But, when I came home (usually for a month), we'd all be together again and we'd all have a great time. Unfortunately, as time goes by uncles, aunts, and even our parents passed away. There are only three uncles and aunts left. With our parents gone, we really don't have much reason to go back home except for a funeral or wedding. And, since we no longer have mom and dad, my sibs and I rarely see each other.

Fortunately, I married into even a larger family. My wife's grandmother on her mom's side had 14 kids. And, they were also very close. They lived just 20 miles to the south of Hays, so we also visited them quite a bit. Again, her dad's side wasn't very close and lived almost 300 miles away, so we didn't go to see them much. But, the reunions were something else. I have never been able to remember the names of all the uncles and aunts, let alone the cousins. But, a few were closer, so we knew them better.

We've lived in the Omaha NE area for over 20 years now. It became our home because of the military, but mostly because Kimmi's doctors were here and there were only a very few places we could take her. However, we live a minimum of 300 miles from any family, so don't see anybody that much. We are a small family with 3 children (now 2), but we are still a close family in heart. Kimmi passed away at 4:43 p.m. on March 3, 2009, and is still in our hearts every second of the day. She is in Heaven with Jesus.

Unfortunately, our boys also moved away (Craig to Davenport, IA and Rob now lives in England). When he moves back, he'll probably be back in Peoria, ILL. So, we don't get to see them that much, but still do at Christmas. With Kim always sick, it was rare that we could go to see the boys. Now, that she has left us to be with Jesus, we will be able to travel more. But, we usually talk to them of the phone a couple times a week. And, we even set up an Internet View Cam (Kimmi did this for us old, uneducated folks) so we can see each other.

We visited Craig and family this past weekend. We were so happy to see them, but felt so much lacking with Kimmi gone. We still had a great time with Craig, Missy, and our grandaughter Maddie. On Sunday, we went with them to a family reunion on Missy's side. A large part of her family was there for a baby shower. It felt so good to be around a large, but close family again. It took me back to my family reunions as a child.

I am so happy that both of my boys married into large, close-knit families. Rob's wife has 5 sisters, and all live in Omaha. They will always have large families to gather with. Even when we are gone, my boys will have lots of family around to make them feel at home and feel loved. One only realizes the importance of a family, especially a large close-knit family when we lose part of that family. We thought about moving closer to the boys, but how could we ever leave Kimmi? We could still move her with us, but will need a permanent place where the boys will always be, so we don't have to move over and over. And, of course, we still have a group of friends that, in many ways, replaced our nuclear family. They are much of our family now.

I so miss the times of my childhood when I felt the warmth and security of my family, but I cherish the times we have now, even if mostly in our hearts. Not an hour goes by that I don't think of, and miss, my boys and families. Not a minute goes by, now, that I don't think of Kimmi and miss her so much. Into my dying days, I will always be thankful for my family and will always cherish the time spent with my family, especially my own family: Evey, Rob and Jeni, Craig and Missy with Maddie, our beautiful, beautiful little angel Kimmi, and any other grandchildren that come along. I can't wait to get to heaven and see all my family again, especially Kimmi. What a glorified reunion that will be when we all gather around Jesus and then stay together forever in eternity.