Finger

A Royal Ranger friend was holding his 6 month old son, Levi, tonight. As I reached for Levi's hand, he put his little hand around my finger. I immediately pulled away and started to tear up. You see, the last time Kimmi still had mental ability, while in ICU, she squeezed my finger when I asked her to. It was the last interaction I had with my Baby Girl.

The doctors say she had no brain activity from the beginning, but I know better. That first night, whenever I'd talk to her while holding her hand, her BP would go up and SHE'D SQUEEZE MY FINGER. Sometimes, she'd open her eyes and look right at me. The damage must have been completed that night because she never responded after that. Dear Lord, I hope she never suffered that first night. I still wonder how much she suffered before she coded, and if she suffered after she coded. I always feared her being lost and crying out for her daddy to help her. Even dreamed it many times. Then, when she needed us in the OR, we weren't there! She was alone. How much did she panic before she coded? How much did she suffer? Why didn't the doctors recognize her actions as the beginning of a heart attack? Why didn't they respond more quickly?

In hindsight, I am relieved that she died the way she did. From her writings and from statements of her friends, I learned that Kim had been suffering quite a bit for several months. Her brain was starting to fail and she was having trouble thinking clearly. The neurologist verified it when he said she had the brain of an old person; not soft and pliable like a person her age. She could barely see while driving. She never told me or Evey. She kept it from us so we wouldn't worry about her. She loved us so much that she kept her pain a secret so we wouldn't worry. I am so glad that she didn't have to suffer a long drawn-out death, slowly wasting away in severe pain. And, Kimmi wanted to protect us from having to see her suffer. But, why did she have to suffer at all?

I don't know if I will ever be able to allow a child to hold my finger again. Maybe time will heal this and I can let it go, but for now I can't handle it.