FREEDOM

Yesterday, we took our first trip since Kimmi passed away. We went to pick up Maddie and on to visit Craig and Missy. This was a bittersweet vacation.

For years, especially the past 2 years, we couldn't go to visit the boys, take a vacation, or do anything else without taking Kimmi along. We could never allow ourselves to leave her alone, even though she insisted she'd be ok, because we'd never know when she'd go from being ok to passing out in minutes. But, if she wasn't feeling good (most of the time), we just stayed at home with her. I always felt guilty because I felt we were ignoring the boys to take care of Kim. I think they felt hurt by us not visiting them, and even felt jealous of Kim because we built our lives completely around her. They just didn't understand, but they do now! They didn't realize how sick Kimmi was most of the time and how we could never leave out of fear that something would happen. It hurt that we couldn't go to visit them, but there was no way we could leave her.

Now that Kimmi passed away, we are "free" to do things and go places without worry. FREE? How free can we be when our baby girl is dead, and it took her death to free us up to do things. The entire drive to Craigs, I felt guilty because we were going to enjoy ourselves at her expense. How could we enjoy anything knowing she had to die to give us that freedom? How could we ever enjoy ourselves when we didn't have her to share our joy with? And, how could we ever enjoy ourselves when we missed her so very much?

So, the trip was a very long and sad. I don't think 10 minutes went by without me thinking of her, missing her, and feeling guilty about leaving her. We were happy to see Craig, Missy and Maddie, and think about a few days away, but I felt so lonely, so empty not having Kimmi with us. Will I ever get over these feelings? Will I ever be able to enjoy anything again, knowing I will be doing it at her expense? The Lord gave me peace with her death, but now I need peace with this empty feeling and with this guilt of ever being happy or having fun knowing that it took her death to give us that freedom!