Sunday, May 3, 2009
DON'T HAVE A CHOICE
It's been 2 months now since Kimmi died. This past week has been pure hell for me; feeling sorry for myself, screaming at the wall "WHY? WHY? WHY?", wishing I could die sometimes, wondering how we are going to get by without her, asking God if I could take her place, and feeling so damn lonely without her. All week long, I've been dreading May 3 coming. I don't need any more reminders that Kimmi died. I just don't know what we are going to do for Mother's Day and Kimmi's birthday. Nothing will ever make Mother's day a happy day again. How can you ever enjoy yourself when your heart has been ripped so violently from your body?
So many times in the past, I've stated, "I don't have a choice" when I really did. "I don't have a choice on changing employers" when I really do. I don't have a choice on this or that, but it really would have just made things a bit more difficult for me or us. I always had a choice, but this time we don't have a choice. We don't have a choice but to accept Kimmi's death. We don't have a choice but to get on with our lives. Being depressed constantly or living a full life is a choice, but we don't have a choice on living because dying is not an option we have control of.
We are doing our best to move on; to get back to living some kind of normal life. And, we are mostly succeeding. But, some days, or weeks, are just hell, especially having to put up with those jackasses at the post office, who seem to enjoy making it harder. No, we don't have a choice on losing Kimmi, but we do have a choice on how we will live, or not live, with her gone! A full-time pity party is not living. Kimmi wouldn't want that for us, and neither do we.