Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mother's Day

I've been fearing this day for about a month now. How do you make Mother's Day a happy day when her baby girl just passed away 2 months ago? Mother's Day could end up being the saddest day of the year, or the 2nd saddest next to Kimmi's birthday or her death day.
I did have a very short dream about Kimmi this morning. All I remember is being with Kimmi, then touching her on her little pug nose and calling it that while she smiled. Not nearly long enough, but better than nothing.
I've been trying to think of some gift or card that would make Evey feel good Sunday, but I don't even think a $100,000 diamond ring would do it. All I could think of was to go back to all the Mother's Day and birthday cards that Kimmi gave her mom over the years (we saved them). I'm hoping that those old cards will perk Evey up and help her get through the day. And, if she is ok with that, I also have all of Kimmi's paintings, drawings, and art projects from all the years. 
Last Saturday we went to a friend's (from Royal Rangers) birthday party. Another friend had his 2 little girls there. They looked just like Kimmi when she was much younger. They were so pretty and we loved watching them, but also felt much loss from not having Kimmi with us.
Finally, Evey showed me her new Willow Tree statuette she bought for Mother's Day. It is called "Close to Me. Apart or together, always close to me." As soon as I saw it, I broke down crying. It is of a mother closely embracing her daughter, who is looking up at her. All I could think of was missing our little baby girl and Evey's pain of not having her "little girl" on Mother's Day. After that, I moped around the house for about an hour, then got back to my yard work.
Although I don't cry nearly as much as at first; every day, all day, I just miss Kimmi so very much and think about her constantly. About the surgery, the anxiety that caused her heart attack, her time in the hospital, squeezing my finger that first night, taking her home and saying my final Good-bye to the little girl that meant so much to me, and this lonely, empty house that is so filled with sadness. Will the pain ever go away?

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