Praising Her Courage

Kimmi was an amazing young woman, even though I always saw her as a little girl. Where did this little girl get the courage to face death, but keep it to herself so she wouldn't worry us? In all my life, I've never known any other person who knew he/she was dying, yet kept it to herself so her loved ones wouldn't worry. 

• She wrote in her diary how sick she was, but didn't want to worry us.
• She never complained about her suffering; about losing her sight, her ability to think, or the terrible pain she was having in her head. 
  
• Kimmi wanted us to take a family picture (Evey and I, Kimmi and Millie) because she wanted us to have a last picture of her. 
• She bought Evey a Digital Picture Frame (10 inches) that was well beyond her price limit. I had to pay 75% of it, but she really wanted her mom to have a special Christmas gift, and it had to be that.
  
• The day of her fistula surgery, where she had the heart attack, she told her mom that she wasn't afraid even though she had two previous heart attacks and knew she was getting weaker.
• She organized all her papers and Millie's papers so we wouldn't have to go through a mess.
• She told Shawna she knew she was going to heaven and would ask Jesus to save a place for her, so we wouldn't have to worry so much about her salvation.
• While she lay dying that first night, she would squeeze my finger to tell me that she loved me. That was her last "conscious" action.
• But, the one thing she could not do was fix the holes in our hearts when she left us. Those holes, though healing, will never go away!

I really, really, really wish we had known how weak and sick she was; how close to dying she was. I so wish we could have said our goodbyes to her when she was conscious; so we could tell her how much we loved her and would miss her.

We could have taken her on a very special "Kimmi Picked" vacation so she could have had a great time doing what she wanted (she so wanted to go to Vegas that she even planned sneaking off without our knowledge - If I had only known).

Now, we have to learn to get along without her. I only wish we were 1/10 as brave as her. Although we are living a "normal" life without her, a minute rarely goes by without thinking of, and missing, her. I thank God, every day, for letting us borrow her for 27 years longer than we should have had. And, I thank God for the memories and the dreams He has given me. I pray that more dreams, and more great memories, will come in the future.