Apology

I am so sorry for continuing to dwell on this, and I promise to stop soon. But writing is my way of dealing with Kimmi's death. When I write it (many times for myself) I can look back and reassure myself that God is in control and that He will see me through this, even if I don't always want Him to (sometimes the hurt makes me feel closer to Kim).

What I'm writing today is the thing that has bothered me from the very beginning, the one thing that has made her death so terrible for me; the one thing that causes me to agonize so much: what caused her to code; did she suffer, how long did she suffer, and most importantly, why wasn't I there to take care of her like I am supposed to?

I remember releasing her to the doctors that day. I reassure her that, "It will be ok, Kimmi. You will do just fine." However, she was already starting to worry and panic. She wasn't afraid of the surgery, but of being awake while they did the surgery (they were worried that putting her out is what caused her heart attacks the last couple of times, so they were doing a local while keeping her awake). This is what really caused her to code every time, and it killed her this time.

In the past, they always sedated her while she was in pre-op with us. We kept her calm while she fell asleep. But, the last few times, they waited until going to the OR to start sedating her. Each time when they did, she coded. She was afraid and didn't have us to protect her and calm her nerves. So, she would become anxious and start to panic. This time, since they weren't putting her out, she kept panicking which caused her to code.

But, why weren't they ready for that? They even told us that they were prepared in case she did code. BUT THEY WEREN'T! All her symptoms should have tipped them off - that she was starting to code. They knew it, but didn't do anything until it was too late. WHY?

She coded for 15 long minutes before they could re-start her heart. Knowing she had a history of coding, why didn't they have a heart team there just in case (by the time they got there, it was too late). Yes, they did CPR, but 15 minutes without oxygen to the brain is many time more than what is needed to kill the brain.

HOW LONG DID SHE SUFFER BEFORE SHE CODED? WHY DIDN'T THEY STOP WHEN SHE SHOWED SIGNS OF CODING, AND BACK OFF - LETTING HER KNOW THEY WERE STOPPING SO SHE COULD CALM DOWN? IT WOULD HAVE SAVED HER LIFE (yes, to suffer more as her body and brain weakened). HOW MUCH PAIN DID SHE GO THROUGH BEFORE SHE CODED? AND MOST OF ALL, WHY, WHY, WHY COULDN'T I PROTECT HER? This is tearing me up inside. I released her to them so they could kill her body through ignorance or just plain stupidity. But, the responsibility was mine. I should have stopped it when I saw her starting to panic. It's always taken too long before the sedation took effect, but I still allowed them to continue as her panic was so intense that it caused her so much anxiety.

Lord, you removed the cup of pain of her death, but why haven't you removed this cup; the cup of pain and guilt for allowing the doctors to do something I didn't feel comfortable with? Please remove this guilt and fear of her suffering from me. Help me to quit worrying about that time and remember that she is no longer suffering now. Please help me to get this fear of her suffering out of my mind.

Finally, Lord, help me to dream again. Yes, many of my dreams were nightmares of her being stranded somewhere and crying out for her daddy to rescue her. But, those dreams, even the nightmares, would allow me to see her again; to talk with her again, and, even with the pain of a nightmare, allow me to be with her for awhile longer.