Visiting Her Grave

I've been to many cemeteries, and looked at lots of graves. I looked mostly at the markers or monuments and tried to imagine who the people were. It was always sad to see the markers of little children who died, especially if I knew them or their parents.
But, even with my own parents, I looked at the monument for information, but I don't really feel anything at a grave site. I knew the bodies of my parents, relatives, or friends were in the ground, but it didn't really mean anything to me. I mean, they're just dead bodies in the ground. As a Christian, I know that the bodies are dead and the spirit is in eternity; heaven or...I try not to judge. I would just look at the marker and have memories that always got me through. All the memories are in my head and heart, not in the cemetery.
But, that all changed. I know it is just Kimmi's body in the ground, and her spirit is in heaven with Jesus (I trust that she is with Jesus in heaven). But, when I go out to her grave, things change. Sometimes I picture her down in that casket all alone and scared. I can't protect her and it scares me. I know that is ridiculous, but when you've spent her entire life doing your best to protect her, you feel terrible because you're not doing your job. Sometimes I can't seem to picture her in my mind, and that scares me even more.
But, most of the time, I just miss her so much that I don't know what I am going to do. I can't wait to die, so I can see her again, which really sounds stupid because it should be Jesus that we can't wait to see - and I can't. But, sometimes, it is just a patch of dirt with some flowers and a marker with my baby's name on it. I can't accept that even after 7 weeks, but I have to. I have to live. I have two wonderful sons and their families to live for, and I can't imagine leaving them. I don't want them to lose more than we lost 7 weeks ago. I certainly don't want to hurt them any more than they are.
All I can do is pray that God will give me more dreams, especially like the one during the Last Supper. I can still picture Kimmi in such fantastic surroundings and having a wonderful time. Her entire face just lit up the whole place and lit up my heart. Dear Lord, please allow me, and especially her mother, more dreams like that. And, thank you for loving us so much that you let us borrow her for this long when she should have died 27 years ago. And, please help us overcome this lonliness.