Things I Miss

It's been SEVEN weeks today, but sometimes it seems like 10 years and other times it seems like yesterday. All I really know is that we really miss Kimmi and it hurts so dang much. When I went TDY or got assigned overseas, I missed my family. When I left home, especially the first time, I missed my parents. When my boys went off to college, I cried and missed them terribly. Even when my parents died, I missed them quite a bit. But, nothing, absolutely nothing in this entire universe can prepare someone for this - losing a child, especially one who depended so much on us to take care of her. We literally built our lives around her, around taking care of her. Now, every single thing we do reminds us of her in one way or another. I really miss that girl, and all the joy (and the grief) she brought into our lives.

• I miss her crying out in her sleep. Sound asleep, she'd yell out a scream, or she'd talk about something. Never could make it out. I dreamt that twice now, and thought it was so real. Not even sure if I was sleeping. Maybe I'm hearing voices!
• I really miss watching her sleep.
• I miss her mashing the potatoes, like only she could do it. Now, we rarely have mashed potatoes and they just don't taste as good.
• I miss her coming home from dialysis or after a night with friends, so I knew she was ok.
• I miss her with that gruddy little hat/visor she always wore when she drove.
• I miss her scrapbooking. Always late at night when it was time to go to bed, and she'd just "Have to do it now."
• I miss her and her baby, Millie. Kimmi would have made such a wonderful mom. She just loved little ones, especially babies.
• I miss the stories she'd tell us about her day.
• I miss sitting at the table, eating with her. Don't think we'd ever sat at the table if not for her. We do a lot more now.
• I miss her trying to walk Millie, or should I say, being dragged by Millie.
• I miss kissing her good-bye at night when I went to work.
• I miss staying up in the morning to make sure she got to dialysis.
• I miss loaning her money I knew I'd never get back. She spent much more of my allowance than I ever did, and I liked it that way.
• I miss her making fun of me; being old, modern illiterate, my habits, etc.
• I miss helping her with her computer when she had problems with it.
• I don't miss those stupid "reality shows" she liked so much, but I sure miss watching them with her, and whining about having to watch them.
• I miss all the goofy ideas she'd come up with. Just glad she never tried most of them.
• I really miss worrying about her, and hoping she was ok. It sure beats what I'm doing now.
• I miss us nagging her about saving some money, but she always had enough, and the future would take care of itself.
• I miss wathcing her get dressed up for a night out. She was so darn cute.
• I miss sharing the joy of something, and comforting the sadness.
• I really miss that cute little face, that cute little body, and that cute little pug nose.
• I miss that tongue ring that I always wanted her to take out.
• I miss the happiness she instilled in our home.
• I miss her feistiness.
• I miss her buying more and more candles, and me worrying about the house burning down.
• I miss those extra high shoes she always wore. Made her 3-4 inches taller.
• I miss everything being PINK! Practical wasn't important, but pink was. She would even pay way more to have pink. She sold a really good camera and bought a cheaper PINK one.
• I miss all the pictures she took. But she made prints of them too. So many pictures.
• I miss detangling chains and necklaces. Every week or so, she'd bring me a couple of them all tangled up. Usually took hours, but that cute smile made it all worth while. In fact, I just did 3 of them today, so I'll have to trust that she is smiling from heaven.